I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
