The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
