she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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