Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
