I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My ass is underappreciated
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
