I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
my being single is dangerous.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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