There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
