how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
