When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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