I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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