Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
