it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
