Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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