Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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