is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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