My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
