Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
