god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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