so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
