I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
