I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The uberlube is also flammable
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
