Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
