I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
birth control should be required to get into college
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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