im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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