I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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