I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
