dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
