she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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