I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
