We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize
