Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
