3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
