Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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