Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
