it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
