And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
