dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
