Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
