lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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