This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
