you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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