what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
