Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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