Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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