Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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