I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
