thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
