I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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