Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
