I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
True strength comes from lack of pants
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
