Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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